Ok, it has long been suspected that male behaviors are genetic, not environmental. To prove this point, I submit to you a stereotypical male behavior, excellently modeled and made famous by the Grand-PooBaa of male chauvinism himself, Al Bundy.
From the research I have done on the subject (all via internet and conversations at poker games, of course), it is said that Handstuffing is a relaxing, yet often functional behavior that men use to display their "alpha-ness" within their environment. This became extremely clear this last Saturday as our youngest son celebrated his 8th birthday party.
May I present
Exhibit A: during present opening, this young male (image altered to protect his identity) began to handstuff in the presence of 8 other boys age 8-11, and 2 girls age 10. He was clearly looking to establish his dominance over the entire family and gift opening time...or had an itch.
Exhibit B: this young male, not the largest or most physical of the group, practices his handstuffing to build his manliness factor. Note that this young fella has really taken it a step further - all the way to his elbow! - while observing the other boys in the yard, waiting for his opportunity to step in as the alpha-stuffer. It never did happen, but hey - what do you expect from a
Packer Fan?
Burden of Proof: knowing these boys' fathers, I know that
neither of them would ever handstuff like this being the upright, professional, well mannered men that they are (right, Chris?). The only logical conclusion is that handstuffing is purely genetic and to be accepted as normal behavior at all private and public functions, especially kids' birthday parties.
The defense rests. Thank you.
Men, commence your stuffing.
On a parting note, I will impart some of Al Bundy's revealed wisdom regarding manhood:
Ray-Ray: What is it with you, Bundy? Still not getting enough curve in your diet? I mean, we knock you around, you come back. Why? Why do you do it?
Al: For the same reason men climb mountains or sail across the sea alone. For the only reason that a rational man would do in a rational thing like this.
Ray-Ray: Pride.
Al: No, women. I'm a moron, Ray-Ray. We're all morons. That's what comes from being a man. From the first little worm they dare us to eat to the last big shovel full of snow they convince us we can move, we're nothing more to women than an amusement park ride with life insurance. Why else would we do the idiotic things that we do? For example, you ski?
Ray-Ray: No.
Al: Well, you will someday if a girl wants you to. We all will. We'd hurdle down the mountain so fast that the crack of our bodies hitting the tree wouldn't even resonate in their ears before we'd pounce up and say 'I'm OK.' They know were not OK. Hell, even if they miss that pair of squirrels running away with our "hacky sacks", one glance down at the color of the snow would hint that there might be some trauma. And we’ve all been to the weight room when a pretty girl walks by and said to ourselves “Gee I think I’ll start today’s warm up bench pressing oh, nine tons. So, you see Ray-Ray, as long as there’s women, there’ll be men around doing stupid things to impress them. That’s why I’m here. That’s why you’re here. That’s why they're here. Now, someday, you may evolve beyond this, but it’s too late for me. I’m too old, too married, and lost far too many hackysacks.
