Thursday, March 25, 2010

I was-a-RUNNANG!

It's Mrs. Wildman's fault. She encouraged me. She prodded me. She dared me. So I started running. I was not being chased by a bear nor by the police - the only 2 justifications for running that I've held for over 35 years. There I was, shiny shoes and all, and I was-a-RUNNANG! (spoken with Forrest Gump accent)

We ran a 5K together last June, then another of 4th of July. Now I'm signed up to run a half marathon next month, less than a year after I choked, wheezed, and drug my sorry hind end on the first voluntary run ever of my adult life (and that was just the first 2 blocks). Now I find myself looking at marathon schedules, training programs, triathlon regimens and diets...what is wrong with me?!?!? Perhaps I'm having a mid-life exercise crisis. If that's the case, so be it. Worst case scenario, I pull a hammy and end up on the couch, or I actually achieve my goals and end up getting tattoos to commemorate them. Either way, the experience is worth it, I guess.

So there you have it. Mr. Wildman is slowly becoming Mr. "Run Like The [slow, gently blowing] Wind" Wildman, one step at a time.

Citius-Altius-Fortius

Thursday, September 10, 2009

The Adventures of Ducka and Dooger: Part 3

ADD v3: Sticky Fingers
Bill Clinton was asked during an interview why he messed around with Monica Lewinsky. His reply, "...because I could." Bill must've learned his moves from Ducka, cuz he did some stupid crap for no other reason than "...because I could".

Summer was high time to swim in the river, fish, paint turtles, and bike all over town. One of our frequented destinations was Swede's Market, the closet dime store to our homes, and the source of much joy and trouble.

I'd shave a pittance off my sub-welfare allowance (though I worked more hours than my step-dad, Little K), and peel out heading to Swede's. If I was lucky, I would have enough for a pouch of Big League Chew and a can of "Rondo! The thirst quencher! *crunch*". Ducka, on the other hand, felt earning allowances and spending that said money was all a waste of time. Who needs that when Swede's Old Hag (SOH) never pays attention anyway?

So there we were, on a mid-week afternoon, in the heat of the summer. We had been riding bikes all morning, jumping curbs and cutting corners through people's yards when we decided to build a jump at the end of the 8th Street dock and take the plunge - nobody ever used the boat launch mid-day during the week anyway. We'd start on top of the hill, pick up some speed, then cruise down the dock and jump our bikes into the moving current of the Sludgewater River.

My bike was pretty heavy (steel mags sink fast!), and had to struggle to bring my bike up out of the 6-7 feet of water we landed in. (My bike was a yellow & blue Coast King 6000, same frame & mags as this red one - SUH WEET!) The current didn't help either - just ask Bucky Linder, who once lost his bike for a couple hours after taking a header into the current. Someone snagged it fishing that evening down by the bridge, and he had to pay $5 to get it back. He was heckled enough by the older kids that he cried and ended up swallowing his Copenhagen juice, causing a green shade to come over his 8th grade complexion, but I digress.

I had taken great measures to hide my allowance under a rock in the landscaping along the bridge - didn't want any soggy Washingtons for Swede's Old Hag (SOH). After an hour or two of trying to do different (failed) tricks off the dock jump, resulting in a collection of bruises, belly flops, and faceplants - including a nice raspberry on Ducka's chin - we were looking for something to do.

"Whaddya wanna do now?" asked Ducka.
"I brought my candy cash for a Swede's run", I replied.
A resounding "Great idea, Dooger!" came from the Duck.

We decided to celebrate our newly tested dock-jumping manhood with an ice cream sandwich, a Rondo or Grape Crush, and a handful of Bazooka $.01 gum. I retrieved my cash stash and we pedaled our half naked, dripping butts to the brick box of a store.

One thing about Swede's - fat people never shopped there. They couldn't. The aisles were roughly 10" wide, or at least they felt that way. It was a hassle to run into someone in the same row - much easier to go around the next aisle. I'm still not sure how SOH got from the front door to the cash register? The tight quarters may explain why Ducka's scheme wasn't initially picked up on by SOH.

Ducka never mentioned that he didn't have any money with him, but hey - the 5 finger discount would cover anything he wanted today. I picked out my Rondo, a pouch of Big League Chew, and started eating my ice cream sandwich at the register in front of SOH with my dollar and change on the counter. She was reading her usual Ann Landers column and didn't even bother looking up at me. Ducka was working up & down the candy aisle, over to the chips, then back to the soup/pasta area. I didn't think anything of it, but he was stuffing candy into every nook & cranny of his shorts while SOH guffawed over someone else's relationship misfortunes - something she knew nothing about.

Ducka was obviously having fun doing this, and was getting a bit bold...and stupid. He grabbed a couple Bazookas and walked past me at the register. Of course, he could barely pass without knocking me over due to the 10" aisles, and he tried slipping the gum into my hand. I had no clue what was happening, and the gum hit the floor. There was a splash of psychotic fear and total exhilaration in Ducka's eyes, but SOH never looked up. Ducka grabbed the gum, walked another aisle, and plowed into me again, and the gum hit the old wood floors a 2nd time. This time the Hag smelled a rat, and glanced up over her bifocals. A couple minutes later, Ducka made a 3rd fly-by with a pile of Tootsie rolls, Bazooka gums, and small jawbreakers in his hand. I silently shook my head and mouthed "No! No!". I should've known - you can't stop Ducka when he's in motion. My hand opened, a dozen or so candies hit my palm, and the remaining 5-6 loudly hit the floor.

The Hag jumped to her feet.
Lightning shot from her eyes and seared fear directly into my soul.
Ducka's mouth was silently hanging wide open - the breath gone from his skinny little frame.
The 3 of us stood in an awkward moment frozen in time.
As the Hag unsuccessfully tried to dislodge herself from behind the register and nab the 2 troublemakers just out of reach, Ducka yelled "Let's get outta here!" and bolted for the door. Not knowing what to do, I chased after him after I grabbed my Chew and Rondo off the counter.
"You kids get back here right now!" the SOH bellered.
"Screw you, Hag!" was Ducka's intelligent response from the front door of the store.

I hopped on the old CK6000 and spun those steel mags like a Corvette engine. Ducka also got on his bike, and I could hear him taunt the SOH a couple more times as he picked up all the candy that just fell out of his shorts. We both got away clean, and peeled off on the first bike trail into the woods.

We never made another trip to Swede's after that when the rusted army green Dodge Aries was parked outside. That was the SOH-mobile. We never spoke a word of that experience to anyone, or each other. It was almost as if it never happened.

In that vein, I'm sure if you asked Ducka about it today, he'd take a cue from old Bill Clinton and say:

"I never had relations with that candy or that lady, Swede's Old Hag".


Good times.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Wildman Jr., - Ladies Man

Mrs. Wildman shared a gem with me yesterday morning - it seems young Mr. Wildman Jr. has been working' his mojo on the playground and in the hallways at school. He's had an on-again/off-again "girlfriend" and it appears they're more "on-again" than off. Previously overheard from Wildman Jr.: "We were in love, but then we broke up."

Then this note appears. Perhaps part of the break-up settlement?



Don't worry, it wasn't a real hamster - it was a Littlest Pet Shop hamster. Its remains were included in the makeshift envelope, busted up head and all. The real point of interest here isn't the broken hamster, however. To me, the points of interest are:

1) Wildman Jr. is still working the relationship, offering a treasured prize as a gift to the one he fancies
2) She had obviously reciprocated (in some 3rd grade fashion) and was carrying said prize as a gift from "her guy"
3) Whether on-again or off-again, she clearly left the door open to try and repay him, trying to making it right. I think I see an ice cream date in the making.

Gotta give him credit - 8 yrs old and Wildman Jr. is proving to be a ladies man.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Coincidence? I think NOT!

Driving in to work today, I passed a mini-van with the below bumper sticker plastered on the back window:



The very next vehicle in front of her was a crappy old rusty Volvo with this bumper sticker plastered on back (holding the bumper together):



Coincidence? I think NOT.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Faceplant


My Employer

Citigroup stock on 2/12/07 (my start date) - $53.40/share
Citigroup stock on 2/20/09 (today) - $1.62/share

You don't think there's any coincidence here, do you?

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

The Great Facebook Experiment

Speaking of trips...whoa, facebook is a total trip! When Tammy talked about "getting with the times" and signing up on facebook, I'll admit - there was a twinge of "I'm not 18, so I'm not signing up!" in the back of my mind. After a series of interesting turns over a number of months, however, I found myself logging on and building a profile. Then the deluge began and the trip got funky.

Friend Requests - by the end of day 3, I was up to 20 or so friends, about 80% of them being relatives of mine. I have added a couple of friends that I literally have no idea who they are. Their profiles say we went to high school together, they're friends with people I know, but I cannot figure them out?!?!? I've hit the Ignore button on a couple of them 3-4 times, but they keep sending requests. Finally, I caved and just added them so I could see their profile and try to figure it out. No luck.

On the bright side, I have since reconnected with my old college roommate from BSU (Beer Slammin' University), multiple childhood friends, and even the world famous Ducka! Sorry to report he has hit some tough times recently, but things are looking up. We actually had coffee last Saturday and caught up a bit - had a great time. You can look for a new Ducka post soon, especially since he reminded me of a couple stories I'd forgotten!

Anyway, sorry for the hiatus from the Wildman Blog, but fb is addicting! That being said, I'm back, baby! I'm back! (think George Costanza style...see the below clip @ 3:36)

Pulse check.

Wow, it's been a while since I've been on here to bore you with my droning on about life here in MN, hockey, and the joys of working for the government's latest bailout project. Fear not! I am back, and will commence droning!

Last time I left off we were packing to head to Dizzy-Me World. What a whirlwind vacation that proved to be! Here's the report card:

Flights To/Fro: A
Weather: A+
Hotel: B+ (could've used a coffee maker!)
Epcot: A (street performers and Soarin' were personal favs)
Magic Kingdom: A+ (could've used another day here - favs were Space & Splash Mtn)
Animal Kingdom: A- (Everest Roller Coaster ROCKED!)
Hollywood Studios: A (Tower of Terror is a MUST, esp for Twilight Zone fans. Nightly Light Show too.)
Overall Food Rating: A-
Kids' attitudes: A+
My untanned legs in shorts: D-
Overall Disney Experience: A+

High points of the trip:
* Kids' first plane ride
* Ms. Wildgirl Jr. learning to love roller coasters (previously HATED them)
* Mr. Wildman Jr. going ballistic in the Lego Land Store (his eyes rolled back in his head - I swear!)

Low points of the trip:
* Riding the Star Wars ride at Hollywood Studios immediately after inhaling another pile of Italian Food and a couple beers
* Leaving the hotel at 4am to come home...

I would put up some pics, but we were usually too busy having fun to take pictures. I did take some fun video, however, and may try posting some. The best video is the first ride on Space Mtn. Ms Wildgirl Jr. screamed the whole way through it, and it's all on video (in the dark, duh).

Anyway, we had a blast...and I'm back at it again. My reader (yes, singular) should be happy again for a month or so.