Special thanks to Auntie BKaye for sending this list of "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" style of titillating life questions. Being the cultural crusader that I am, I figured I'd try my best to bring order to any confusion these may cause you. The original questions are in blue below, and my responses follow in black.And, yes - you're welcome.
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
If you make a hooker carsick, is that considered giving her the old "heave-ho"?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
And at what point is it considered a public service?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
It’s a toll fee for spouting off your worthless opinion.
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Yet another reason to wear your comfy clothes every day.
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
So the pizza won't roll away
OR
Because it's much easier than putting a square pizza in a round box.
What disease did cured ham actually have?
Some SPAM virus.
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
If astronauts had to pack and carry their own bags to the shuttle,
they would've figured out the luggage first.
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
And how many of us actually sleep with a nipple in our mouth and crap in our pants?
(Wait, don't answer that.)
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
And if he's blind and needs to testify, is he still called an eye-witness?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Because it's hard to get ON a movie screen or fit IN a TV.
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Because the grass is always greener…
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.
Can you spell M-A-L-P-R-A-C-T-I-C-E?
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
And why is a jock strap (singular) actually TWO straps
along with the waist band and banana hammock?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
To test your smoke detectors.
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Actually, we do care cuz deep down, we all gotta bit uh Jimmy in us.
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
Why not – come on, live a little! (pun intended)
If you get pulled over, jump in the passenger seat and say the other guy was driving.
If the professor on Gilligan's
Are you kidding me? He had Ginger and Mary Ann stranded on a deserted island!
Why would he ever consider leaving?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
Goofy has always been an overachiever trying to overcompensate for the horrid name his parents gave him.
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
ACME didn’t offer food items in their catalogs.
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
Check the label – does it say “Made in
That would explain some things.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Morality coming from morons is pretty oxymoronic...
is there such a thing as oxymorality?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Yes, but the Alphabet song obviously came first.
Otherwise, they wouldn’t have known how to write the lyrics for
Twinkle Twinkle…or Baa Baa Blacksheep.
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
If an idiot sings in an office and nobody’s there to hear it, does it still sound terrible?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Doesn’t matter – they both tend to orbit Uranus.
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Well if you’d quit farting in the car…
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
** Edit: a few more Deep Thoughts to add to your day...
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
What is the speed of darkness?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
No comments:
Post a Comment