INGREDIENTS:
- 8 days away from work
- One large lakehome, preferably with separate quarters for kids
- Sandy lakeshore and clean water
- One floating swim platform/dock, anchored
- Fishing rods, multiple of the Snoopy/Barbie/Taz varieties
- 5 weary adults
- 7 cranked up kids under age 14
- 3 neurotic dogs, barking
- A few/bunch of cases of beer
- Multiple bottles of wine
- Your choice of "Mystery-schlager"
- Enough food to feed a small town for a month
- Mass amounts of sunshine
- One fishing/ski boat, including tube
- One rental pontoon
DIRECTIONS:
1) Preheat air to around 85 degrees, lakewater to 70 degrees
2) Drink a beer
3) Unload piles of gear from vehicles to lakehouse/kids quarters
4) Open another beer, consume quickly before it evaporates
5) Direct/oversee kids as they launch off dock to play on swim platform
6) Referee dock pushing matches and get pushed/pulled into lake fully dressed
7) Let dogs out to crap in the yard, harass the neighbor's dogs, and swim half way across the lake
8) Have another beer while clothes drip-dry
9) Get dogs out of neighbor's flower garden, kennel them up to dry
10) Take kids tubing behind boat, attempting aerial acrobatics while semi-attached to tube
11) Soothe crying children who vow to never ride a tube again, especially with nasty Uncle Wildman
12) Return to dock...if you can find the right one
13) Fire up grill for supper
* Note: mandatory 2 beer minimum consumption while grilling, MN vacation law
14) Pull rugrats out of lake again and cram food down their gullets
15) Overeat and sample "Mystery-schlager" for dessert
16) Find your most recent/open a new beer
17) Arrange fishing contest on dock, designate bait/fish-boy to help the girly-types keep up
18) Untangle rats-nest on Barbie rod
19) Pick up your beer that fell off the dock and into lake, open another
20) Once kids are exhausted and start whining and picking fights, lose your temper and send them to bed
21) Resample "Mystery-schlager", various wines, and a few more beers while sitting on pontoon tied up to dock
* Note: 70's rock station on pontoon radio is critical item during this step
22) Retell all the same stories as last time you did this, make fun of each other, generally make an ass of yourself
23) Stumble your way to bed, lay down and wonder how the hell you got sand in various parts of your body
24) Sleep 4hrs on crappy cabin mattress
25) Get up and pound a few cups of coffee (or Monster energy drinks)
26) Repeat daily until reality gets its greasy, nasty claws back into you and drags you back to work
That pretty much sums up last week's events while we were gone on vacation.
So you're still scratching your head, saying "Hey Wildman, what the heck is this Schweinehaxe thing in the title?" Ah, let me explain...
Friday night we took the whole crew + the folks to a small town authentic German restaurant that Mrs. Wildman & I think is the shnizzle (um, make that schnitzel). We ordered a pile of -bratens and schnitzels (among other things hard to pronounce), and then there was one plate of the famed Brauhaus Schweinehaxe. Looked like it was fresh from the caveman's fire. Seriously, it looked like a hind leg off a small dinosaur, chopped off and roasted over an open flame. The thing was HUGE. It dang near hung off the ends of the plate, as well as the sides. Ken about crapped when she put the plate in front of him. Good thing he ordered the "regular" and not the "Jumbo" for $2 more. After gnawing on it for half an hour, he called it quits and threw the thing in a To-Go box, which he intentionally left in the fridge the next day when he split town. No way he was taking that albatross home with him.
Here's a presentable picture of a Schweinehaxe. The one he got was twice the size and half as appealing to look at. Whaddya expect, after all, it is a "Large pork shank". Notice how that rhymes with skank? Mmmm...sounds tasty, doesn't it?
The most beautiful thing about this place, however, is their affinity for Spaten Bier and the beautiful, smooth Franziskaner Dunkel bier that has upped the anti for all other beers in my mind. Gotta love the Germans.
Perhaps Franziskaner could team up with Monster and create a new line of Monsterkaner or Franzismonster Energy Biers?
That would be sweet.
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